


Some Say This Can't Be Real

by Synyster_Lisa



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: F/M, Multi, Runaway, a7x, avenged sevenfold - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synyster_Lisa/pseuds/Synyster_Lisa
Summary: Lisa Seward was nineteen when she ran away, disappearing without a trace, nor a word to anybody. The news of Jimmy's tragic death brought her back, but she had no intentions of staying until a run-in at the cemetery. Can she face her brother, her family, and her friends? Or will the repressed memory of what drove her away come back to haunt her? Avenged Sevenfold will never be the same without Jimmy, but they aren't ready to give up everything just yet. Will they find a new drummer?Author Notes:-Rated R for language, sexual content, some violence.-Don't own A7X, or anyone else affiliated with the band/crew/girlfriends.-I do own Lisa, the OC's that appear, and the plot.-Title credit "Victim" by Avenged Sevenfold.-I wrote this one a long time ago and had it posted on Mibba. It's one of my favorites that I have written, and will be my first test story on this site.RIP: James Owen Sullivan foREVer. Always loved, never forgotten.
Relationships: Lisa/Zacky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	1. Paying Respect

I never wanted to come back here. Especially after running away so suddenly. Running out on my family, my older brother, everything I had. I slowly rolled through the streets of Huntington Beach, towards the cemetery. The news was what brought me back.

My name is Lisa Seward, I'm twenty-two years old, spending nineteen of those years growing up in Huntington Beach, California. I ran away at the age of nineteen after an altercation with one of my brother's best friends. My brother is Johnny, twenty-five years old, the bassist of the band Avenged Sevenfold. I was close to my brother. His friends were my friends, except for one of them. Brian always had a thing for trying to make my life hell, so I eventually began to despise him. He was the reason that I up and left without a word to anyone, and for the past three years, I have not been in touch with any of them. I went to Chicago to hunt down some friends I went to middle school with. Both of them had moved to the midwest before starting high school, but we still kept in touch from time to time. However, they never found out about who I'm related to. It was a secret I kept from a lot of outsiders. It didn't take much work to find them, and they were happy to take me in. They were closer to each other and after high school, they moved into an apartment together, needing a third roommate to help with finances. We all were very much into music, and were trying to start a band, with me as the drummer. We had slowly became known, but we never took off to go to the big time. Needless to say, it was just nice to practice my drumming.

I'm coming back home after hearing the tragic news on TV. Jimmy had suddenly and tragically passed away a few weeks ago, and I felt incomplete, feeling the need to go and pay my respects. My plans were to go pay respects at his grave, then get back out and back to Chicago. The cross-country trip also did me well. Gave me a chance to clear my mind. The news of Jimmy's death had affected me greatly, because he was a dear friend to me. He was the reason I actually picked up a pair of drumsticks. He taught me everything I knew up until I left. I slowly pulled in through the cemetery gates, finding the section in which he had been buried. After parking my car, I stepped out to stretch, and my eyes immediately had fallen on the stone in the ground with his name on it.

I kneeled down in front of his grave, pulling a picture out of my hoodie pocket. It was a picture of Jimmy and myself shortly before I left. I took a personal moment of silence, staring at his grave. Beloved Son, Brother, Best friend. James Owen Sullivan. 1981-2009. Jimmy jumped into life, and never touched bottom. Reading the words carved into the gray marble stone brought a few tears to my eyes. I tried to blink them back, but failed and let them trail down my cheeks. After taking a deep breath to compose myself, I gathered my thoughts to put them into words.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I heard the news on TV, and I couldn't believe it. Numb. I've been nothing but numb, and now I feel horrible for leaving three years ago. You were my closest friend after Johnny, and now you're gone. You were the reason I picked up a pair of drumsticks, and you taught me everything that I knew before I left. I shouldn't have left, I really shouldn't have, but I did. I still don't know if I should go see my brother. I don't think I can face them after what I did to you all. You're gone now, Jimmy, in a better place. I came from Chicago to just see your grave. I heard the news, took my own personal moment to pay tribute, but I was incomplete. I told myself that I needed to come here to get closure. I love you Jimmy, as my best friend, and I will never forget about you. Rest in peace."

Tears were steadily streaming down my cheeks as I placed the picture next to his tombstone. I wanted to leave before anyone decided to show up. I didn't want to be caught back here, but I couldn't tear myself away from his grave. Every failed attempt to get up and walk away resulted in more tears. I reached the point where I just sat on the fresh sod, staring at his tombstone. Hours passed without my knowledge.

"Who are you?" someone asked behind me. A voice I faintly recognized, bringing a shudder of disgust through my body.

Without a word, I turned to confirm my recognition. Brian stood there, emotionless. I hadn't changed much, so I knew that he would've recognized me. I shot him a death glare. When I said I began to despise him, I really meant that I despised and loathed his very existence.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, slightly surprised.

"Why do you care?" I growled.

"You took off without a word three years ago."

"Because of you," I snaped as I walked past him towards where I was parked.

Nobody knew the truth of what happened, unless he came clean to the guys, which I doubted. It was an event I repressed, and didn't want to tell anybody, even my brother.

"Lisa, wait a minute!" Brian called after me.

"Why should I?" I asked, not turning around.

"Will you just listen?" he asked, grabbing my arm.

"Let me go!" I growled again, trying to pull away from him. It was useless. He was strong, much stronger than myself. The repressed memories began to resurface. "I'm dead serious, let me go!" I shouted. "Just leave me alone!"

"If you promise me something?"

"I have no intentions of telling anybody what happened."

"Not that. You need to go see Johnny."

"Why?"

"Because to this day he still goes on about how he misses you, and he's constantly asking us why you would just leave without telling anybody."

"And if I don't go see him?"

"I will personally take you to him," he said in a threatening manner.

I sighed. "Fine, I'll go under my own free will, if you'll just leave me alone."

"Fair enough." He let go of my arm. "Here's his address."

All I needed to do was get to my car, then I could get away. Brian could go and tell them all he wanted, but I knew in my mind that I wasn't going to see Johnny. I sat in my car for a bit, deep in thought. Brian was sitting where I had been, visiting Jimmy, so he wasn't bothering me. As much as I despised Brian, he was right. I needed to see Johnny. I needed more closure. After typing in the address on my GPS, I slowly took off out of the cemetery. It didn't take long to get to the apartment complex where Johnny lived. Once I parked, I sat there. I was nervous, scared, nauseous. Was I ready to face my family, and my past after my disappearance?


	2. Reunion

I had a feeling that if I didn't go under my own free will, Brian would appear out of nowhere and force me to go. I shuddered at the thought as I exited my car and slowly walked up the short stone path. My finger hovered over the buzzer to his apartment.

"Lisa, what's wrong with you? Just fucking do it," I said to myself.

My hand was shaking, my whole body was shaking. Before I finalized the decision to run away, I pressed the button. A few seconds passed with no word. I didn't even wait a full minute before telling myself that nobody was home, and using it as an excuse to run.

"Yeah?" the distorted voice blared through the speaker. Distorted, but I recognized it.

I sighed and pressed the button. "Johnny?" I asked quietly.

"Maybe, depends who you are."

I paused, taking a deep breath before pushing the button. "It's...It's Lisa."

No voice responded, just a loud buzz from the door. I opened it, walked in and climbed the stairs to the second floor. I found his apartment, and stood outside the door. Fear gripped my stomach and twisted it every way imaginable. I tapped lightly on the door, and almost as if he was there waiting, the door opened a split second later. I looked at my brother, he hadn't really changed, except for a few more tattoos and a new hairstyle. Both of us were speechless. Seeing him there brought tears to my eyes, and once again, I instantly felt horrible for leaving them all. Johnny knew what I was thinking, and he stepped forward to embrace me. He hugged me tightly to which I responded by crying into his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

"Come on in, it's fine," he whispered back.

I followed him into his apartment, into his living room where he motioned for me to sit on his couch. It didn't take me long to compose myself after he offered me a bottle of water.

"Were do I even begin?" he asked, pulling a chair up across from me.

"I don't know either."

"You disappeared without a word to anybody. We all tried contacting you anyway we could think of, but nothing worked. Sis, we thought you had run away and killed yourself somewhere.."

"I just wanted to disappear from here and start a new life."

"Why?"

"I can't say. Things happened, and I couldn't take it anymore. You know how Brian liked to give me hell."

"He drove you to leave?"

"Johnny, I didn't know what else to do. Everything he said to me, everything he did to me. I absolutely hate him."

"So why suddenly show up three years later?"

"I heard about Jimmy, and I needed to see his grave with my own two eyes to believe it, as well as to get closure. I had every intention to visit his grave and leave again but...I ran into Brian at the cemetery..." I paused. "He threatened me, saying that if I didn't come see you under my own free will that he would personally bring me here."

"Sis, you need to tell me what really happened between you and him."

"No. I can't. I spent three years trying to repress it. I really don't want to relive it."

"So what now then?"

"I don't know." I stopped to finally look him in the eyes. A moment later, I went and hugged him. "I'm so sorry about Jimmy," I whispered to him.

He hugged me back. "I know, we all are."

We held each other for a moment before taking back our seats. "So what is the band going to do?" I asked, trying to get the subject off of me.

"Taking some time off obviously. Then possibly try to record an album. We can't just break up the band and not honor him in some way. Afterwards, we don't know." It was his turn to pause. "What about you?"

 _Ugh, can we get the subject off me?_ "What about me?"

"What are you up to? Where are you living? Everything."

"I've been living in Chicago. After I left here, I got in touch with two friends of mine that had gone to middle school and high school out here, and we brought together a band that I drum for. Not huge, but we get some shows, and enough money to live off of. You know what's funny? We are heavily influenced by your band, but they still have no idea that I'm related to you and know the rest of the band. I honestly don't know how they haven't figured it out." I let out a short chuckle, still trying to fight the repressed memories that were wanting to resurface.

"So you're going back then?"

"I can't stay here, Johnny. I cannot be around Brian. Believe me, I want to stay, especially going through those god damned Chicago winters, but I have a life there now."

My brother sighed. "I have an extra bedroom here, so you know you're more than welcome."

"Johnny, I can't."

"Why not? Does it all have to do with Brian?"

"I told you, yes. I just can't stay." I hung my head.

"What if we talked to him? What if I talked to him one-on-one? Tried to get him to be better to you? Would you consider it then? Lisa, I've missed you so much. We've all missed you, even Jimmy did."

"I missed you all too. So many times I wanted to come back, but I couldn't face you all after disappearing. I don't know why, I just didn't want to be ridiculed I guess."

"You know we wouldn't ridicule you for leaving."

"Brian would."

"I wouldn't let him."

I sighed. He was bringing up good points. I missed my home here. I missed everybody. I missed Zacky. I wonder if he's seeing someone. He probably wouldn't want to be with me knowing I'm a flight risk. "I honestly don't know," I said. "Running away from it all was just so much easier. Staying away from all of the problems."

"There's no way I can convince you to stay? Whatever you decide to do though, will you please stay in touch with me at least?"

I nodded. "I will absolutely keep in touch."

"Good to hear..." Johnny trailed off into a pause. "So...what now?"

"I should start heading back."

"You don't wanna go say hi to the others? Matt, Val, and Zacky all miss you too."

 _Valary_ , I thought. Man, I really missed her. She was the big sister I never had. My closest female friend, even moreso than Amy and Karlee back in Chicago. _Zacky...._ god how badly I wanted to see him. "Not really. Feel free to tell them you saw me, I don't care. It's just easier for me this way."

"Alright. Do you want something to eat? A place to stay the night? Anything?"

To be honest, I would've loved to spend the night here and head out fresh in the morning, but I ran the risk of seeing the others. Given that Brian probably has already run his mouth telling them all that I'm in town, they would be running to come find me. I shook my head.

"No, but thanks for the offer. I need to just disappear again right now. I guarantee some of them already know I'm around, so I need to go before they all come rushing your apartment. At least to let myself get my head straight." I looked at my brother again, who wore a saddened expression.

"Alright. I can't force you. Just know that you have my number, you know where I live, and I'm here for you. We're not leaving anytime soon." I nodded in acknowledgement and followed him to his door. "It was really good to see you, and know that you're still alive."

I nodded again. "Same." I turned to give him a hug before I walked away. "Love you, Johnny."

"Love you too, sis."

When I got back into my car, I felt relieved. Deep down inside be, beyond my hatred for Brian, I was thanking him for making me go see Johnny. As I sped out of the town for the state line, trying to get away as quickly as I could, my thoughts began to wander again. I was now faced with a pretty big dilemma.


	3. Contemplating Dreams

I drove until nightfall, which brought me just past Las Vegas. As I checked into yet another cheap motel, I grabbed my belongings and went to my room. The first thing I wanted to do was shower. After showering, I laid in bed, watching some sort of news through the static. Every TV station was distorted, but the sound helped me think. I reached into my toiletry bag and pulled out the familiar orange canister. I had a prescription sleep aid, and an anti-anxiety medication. After I got to Chicago, I wasn't sleeping at night. My mind would wander constantly. Anytime I did fall asleep, I would have nightmares. As much as I repressed the memory, it always came back when I would fall asleep. I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD. For three years I've been on these pills, and I was slowly trying to wean myself off of them.

I wanted to go back to my brother, but I didn't want to leave what I had in Chicago. I had great new friends, a steady job, and I loved life. On the other hand, I had a life in Huntington as well. Family was the big one. My brother was there. He was the only person I could confide in aside from Jimmy when it came to the guys. Jimmy was now gone, and I didn't have anybody else. Talking to Johnny today lifted a tremendous weight off my shoulders though.

I hated having these huge mental debates with myself. They drove me near insanity. They almost made me rip out my hair. I scrolled through the numbers in my phone until I found the one I was looking for. Just like with Johnny's door buzzer, my finger once again hovered over a button. I figured if I needed any guidance, this person would be the one to help me out. I pressed the button, holding the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" a cheerful, yet questioning voice answered.

"Valary?" I asked quietly.

"Speaking. Who's this?"

"It's Lisa."

I pictured her facial expression as she heard my name. I couldn't have been too far off either, as I heard Matt's voice in the background asking her who was on the phone. "It's an old friend, now shoo," she said to him. "It's been so long. How are you?" she asked to me.

"I'm hanging in there."

"That's good-oh hold on, the guys are coming over."

I could hear her shuffling around, and I heard _his_ voice in the background, shouting as he walked in. "Guess who showed back up today?" He asked. I couldn't hear the rest of the words as the voices disappeared.

"Lis?"

"Still here."

"So you're in town? Brian just walked in telling us. Said he saw you at the cemetery."

"I _was_ in town. I needed to visit Jimmy, to see that it was for real."

"Ah, of course," she sighed. "We wish like hell it wasn't real." Her voice suddenly sounded upset. "So, did you go see Johnny?"

"I did. He wants me to come back home for good, but I'm just not sure."

"Honey, you need to do what you think is right. Of course we all would love to have you back, but we can't force you if you don't want to."

The words poured from me as I explained to her where I've been, and what I've been up to. I couldn't tell her the reason why though. I still have not told anybody except a therapist after I went a week without any sleep. Out of everybody, excluding my brother, Valary was another one I was comfortable talking to. Obviously about girl issues, but we understood each other as well. She was my best female friend, the sister I never had.

"Well like I said, we can't force you to come back, but from my views, I would like to have you back. You're like my long lost little sister. The sister that doesn't look exactly like me," she laughed softly. She had a twin, but still enjoyed having someone around that didn't look like her.

"I know. I'm thinking about it a lot since I saw Johnny. I told him a lot about what I had on my mind. I know that everyone wants me to come back."

"You have a home here, you know that."

"I know. I'm on my way back to Chicago for now. I'm going to think about it more, then I'll let you and Johnny know when and what I decide. I'll be in touch."

"That's good to hear, and I'm glad you're alive and well. We were all scared for a while there."

"I'm sure you were. Thanks, Val."

"Anytime."

I hung up the phone, and was finally tired enough to try and go to sleep. Surprisingly enough, I fell into a deep sleep quite quickly.

_"Hey, Lis! The guys and myself are all going out tonight. Will you be okay alone?" Johnny called into my room._

_"Johnny, I'm nineteen. I think I'll be fine."_

_"Just making sure, because mom and dad are gone for the weekend." He appeared in my doorway._

_"Dude! Nineteen! Adult!" I retorted._

_"Johnny, come on! She'll be fine, who'd wanna break in and kidnap her anyways?" I heard Brian ask from downstairs._

_I rolled my eyes, hearing yet another one of Brian's smart-ass comments against me. I never knew why he hated me, or why he always picked on me. Any attempt to ask him just resulted in another ridiculous insult. Johnny and the other guys would attempt to defend me against them, but I told them to just give it up. They left, I had the house to myself. After showering, I blasted music and enjoyed my alone time, walking around in just a towel. As midnight approached, the house was still quiet, and I decided to call it a night._

_Dead asleep until my bed dipped, jolting me awake just a bit. I thought nothing of it, thinking I just had one of my random twitches. I started dozing off again until the faint smell of alcohol tingled my nostrils. I realized that I wasn't alone in my room._

_"I like you a lot, but why can't I bring myself to tell you? Let alone even be nice to you," a familiar slurred voice said. "I guess it's because I don't need the guys ridiculing me about it."_

_I laid there, listening, still pretending to be asleep._

_"Ever since I first saw you I liked you, and as I fell more and more in love, I also turned into an asshole to you. I regret all of it, and I wish I can take it back."_

_The bed lifted, and soft footsteps headed towards my door, walking out and closing it. I sat up, staring at the door._

_"Brian, if you love me, then just come out with it," I said. "Fuck what they think."_

My eyes fluttered open. Surprising to me that it was a normal dream and not a nightmare like I would usually have. I turned over to get into a new comfortable position, almost instantly falling back to sleep.


	4. Home?

Another day and a half of driving and I arrived back in Chicago. It felt strange being back here. I walked into my shared apartment. Neither Amy nor Karlee were home, which put me more at ease. I wasn't in the mood for twenty questions right now. Being two friends of mine, they could get quite annoying. Worst of all, they hadn't the slightest idea of who I really was. As a band, we did cite Avenged Sevenfold as one of our influences. Their music was just amazing. They just never knew my true ties to them.

I showered, unpacked, reorganized, then laid in bed. I as almost asleep when I heard the door open.

"Lisa! We saw your car, where are you!?" Amy's voice sang through the halls.

"In my room!" I called back.

"So, how was your vacation?" she asked, appearing in my doorway.

"I took a road trip to clear my mind. It was...nice."

"Where did you go anyways?"

"Somewhere to get closure."

"So like usual, you're still keeping your past shrouded in darkness."

I just couldn't hide it forever from them. "Go get Karlee and meet me in the kitchen in five."

I rustled around my room for a moment, finding my locked box. I opened it, grabbed what I needed, then went to the kitchen. They both were sitting there, waiting for me. I sat across from them, holding a short stack of pictures in my hand.

"This first picture I'm going to show you is my brother and myself, at my high school graduation." I slid the picture to them and turned it over. "Since you guys left after middle school, the band wasn't that big yet, so you really had no idea."

Both of them gasped upon recognition of my brother, then looked back at me for explanation.

"Yes, I know, you're shocked. Johnny is my older brother. I know them all. I went back to visit Jimmy's grave, because he was one of the closest friends I ever had, and he is the reason I'm playing drums today."

"So why did you leave? You had it all out there." Karlee said.

"There was some unpleasantness. A horrible memory I repressed shortly after getting on my medications out here. Like I said, I know them all, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm friends with them all."

"So what happened?" Amy asked.

"Something between Brian and myself. He always tried to make me miserable. One night, I just up and left without a word to anybody."

"So when you went back, did you see them?" Karlee asked.

"I didn't intend to, but at the cemetery, I ran into Brian, and he pretty much threatened me into going to see Johnny. I had a good talk with my brother, and right now I'm facing the dilemma of going back to live there, or stay here."

"Here's my opinion..." Amy started. "Yes, you have a new life out here, and you have us, as well as our band and our small crew, but out there, you had everything. Better friends, family, your brother, and the chance to not have to watch how much money you spend."

"It's not about the money. I wouldn't mooch money off of them. I would just get a job."

"From our honest opinion, you should go back. It would give you all the closure you need. We know you're not that happy out here," Karlee said.

"It's more complicated than that. It's just too sensitive to talk about. Brian fully knows what he did, and he fully knows he drove me out of town, but to be blunt, I despise his existence. Right now, everything is up in the air. I'm staying here for the time being, but since I can be a flight risk, maybe try and seek out a replacement for me?"

"Understood. My brother plays drums, so he might be interested," Amy said. "No matter where you go though, you'll always have us."

I nodded with a smile. They were good friends to me, but I couldn't bring myself to fully open up to them. It took three years alone to let them into this part of my past, so imagine if there was anything bigger. Somehow, my mind was telling me that I would end up going back eventually. I owed it to myself to get to the bottom of everything.

"Okay, so I'm very happy you opened up more to us, but I think we need something happy tonight," Karlee said. "How about we all go out?"

"How about later?" I asked. "I'd like a nap, I have been driving forever."

A nap was agreed upon, and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

_"Johnny? I got in a huge fight with dad, can I come stay with you for a bit?" I asked._

_"Sure thing, come on over."_

_I packed up a few things I needed, jumped in my car, and sped off towards Johnny's apartment. He answered the door, looking at me questioningly._

_"He was drunk, I don't even want to talk about it," I said as I followed him to the guest bedroom._

_"You don't have to. I know how he can get. Just relax, spend a day or two here and let him cool off." He was trying to calm me down. "I was gonna go out with the guys tonight, but if you want I can stay home and we can have brother and sister time."_

_"It's fine, you can go out. I'm going to sleep soon."_

_"Call me if you need anything."_

_He left, I got changed and laid down, trying to relax. My dad infuriated me sometimes, over the dumbest little things too. It took almost an hour and a half, but I finally relaxed enough to fall asleep. I have no idea how much time passed until the bed dipped behind me. Like usual, I assumed it was one of my twitches and began to doze off again. I felt someone brush the hair out of my face._

_"God, you're so beautiful," a slurred voice whispered. "I wish I never was an asshole to you. We could be dating, we could be lovers..." He paused. "...and I'd have someone great to come home and fuck every damn night. It would be amazing."_

_His words alarmed me,but I didn't do anything. I felt his fingers on my bare arm as it rested over my hip. I thought nothing of it until I felt his hand now under my shirt. I continued to lay there, waiting. He brushed the hair away from my neck now, and the smell of Jack Daniels became stronger as he leaned over me. The alcohol smell was almost making me nauseous. I felt his lips touch my neck, near my hairline behind my earlobe. One of my spots, but how did he know?_

_"So fucking beautiful. What I wouldn't give for one night with you."_

_Chills raced through my body, and if I didn't react now, I might regret it soon. At the same second I went to roll over and cuss him out, he grabbed my shoulders, pulled me, and pushed me onto my back._

_"Brian, get the fuck out of my room!" I shouted._

_"You were never asleep anytime I've been in here. I'm not an idiot. You know how I feel about you."_

_"I do, just come talk to me when you're sober."_

_"When I'm sober, that's when I'm with the guys."_

_"So? Fuck what they think," I said, trying to squirm out from his grip._

_"Just this once, then I'll back off and figure myself out."_

_"No," I said firmly. "Get out." I continued to try and escape his grip, but it wasn't working._

_His grip tightened as he climbed onto the bed and straddled me, despite my protests. My struggles weren't getting me anywhere, so I just gave in._


	5. Decisions.

I had snapped awake after the dream, relieved at the fact that it was indeed just a dream. It didn’t help much though, seeing as the dream was something real. After wiping a few damp strands of hair from my face, I looked at the clock. It was eight in the evening. The apartment was silent. I wondered if they had went out without me, or were still asleep.

I walked around the darkened apartment for a moment. Amy’s door was closed, meaning she was asleep, and Karlee passed out on the couch. Not wanting to wake either of them, I went back to my room and proceeded to distract myself with TV and internet. I had also figured that since they knew where I was, I might as well log into my old Facebook account. When I left, I logged out and never looked back. After doing so, I discovered endless messages and comments from them all, asking where I was, if I was alive, and everything. I didn’t read any of them, except the one that caught my eye. It was from Jimmy, just a few days before he passed.

**Hey kiddo,**

**I know it’s been a while since we’ve heard from you, but maybe I’ll have some hope that you’ll get this message somehow. It’s Christmas here, another Christmas with the guys, and listening to Johnny talk about the only gift he wants. That gift being his little sister to come home. Some of them are saying that you ran off and killed yourself, but I know that you’re still alive out there.**

**It’s been hard on me as well as it has been on Johnny. Granted that you and Brian never got along, you were my best friend next to him. Every time I would talk to you if I needed to vent, you would listen. You would hear every word that I said, and I feel as in that time my feelings for you were stronger than those of just a simple friendship. Like you were to any of us, you’re the little sister I never had. You have a home here, and I hope you don’t forget us. I hope you get this message and come back to us.**

**I’ve had some weird revelations today, which I expressed into a song for our new album. Can’t say what my thoughts have been meaning lately, but I can just feel like the end is coming close. The end of what? I don’t really know, but I just have this feeling. I miss you, Lisa, I really do. We all miss you, and we want you to come home. We want our little sister back.**

The message brought tears to my eyes. It almost seemed ironic that he said what he did, then passed away days later. I looked at his profile which was covered in friends, family, and fans with their ‘RIP’ messages. What really affected me was his last status update, **missing my unofficial little sister. Wish she was here.** It brought even more tears to my eyes, and by now they steadily poured down my cheeks.

“Fuck, Jimmy, I miss you so much.” I wiped my eyes.

I noticed that a few of my Huntington friends were still around, so I changed my status to read **alive and well, will be in touch.** I closed up my laptop before staring blankly at the TV for a while. Not even paying attention to what was on, I just used the time to keep on contemplating. Knowing I could call and talk to any of them, I didn’t want to ask their opinion because I knew what they would say, they would want me to come back. Johnny and Valary already have said the same thing to me. Amy and Karlee both said I should go back. Seeing the message from Jimmy felt like him telling me to go back. Like he was sitting in my room right now. The only thing holding me back were my feelings about Brian. I didn't want to let him keep me from living my normal life, from seeing my friends, from seeing my brother. I reached for my phone and called Johnny.

“Hey, sis,” he answered.

“Hey,” I replied.

“What’s up? You made it back okay?”

“Yeah, got in earlier today. I’ve been thinking the whole way home.”

“About?”

“Coming back of course. I’ve figured that the only thing holding me back is Brian. I feel like I had this revelation because I got onto Facebook and saw a message from Jimmy. It really hurt, but it was also like him telling me what to do.”

“Wow, that's...umm...well if he was here, I know he would want you here as well.” There was a pause for a moment. “So we've tried talking to Brian, but he won’t say a thing. He just says ‘nothing happened between us. She just got sick of me I guess.’”

“Of course,” I said in disappointment. I gave Brian some props for not blabbing to everyone else about it.

“I know that something happened that both of you guys are keeping from us. As your brother, I’d like to know.”

“In due time. I need to find the right time to tell you.”

“Alright, deal. So, did you decide?”

“Between you guys, Jimmy's message, and even having the blessing of Amy and Karlee here, I guess I should start packing.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.” The smile was highly evident in his voice.

“Just don’t tell anyone yet, because I don’t want anyone making a big deal out of it. I just need to tie up loose ends here, and figure out how to get some of my bedroom furniture out there. I guess rent a truck. Anyways, can I stay with you until I get on my feet?”

“You didn’t even have to ask. You know you’re more than welcome to stay with me. You’re my sister, I’m supposed to look out for you. Just let me know when you‘re gonna be on your way so I can get the guest room a little cleared out.”

“Alright, I will. Thanks so much, Johnny.”

“You know it’s no problem at all.”

“Yeah.” I paused and sighed. “Johnny? I miss Jimmy so much.” My voice cracked as I began to choke on the lump in my throat.

“I know, we all do. Everyone is taking it hard right now, but we’re going to pull through this.” His voice also started to break.

“Yeah. It’s just…it happened so unexpectedly, and…fuck I feel horrible for leaving, because I didn’t expect this kind of news to get us back in touch.”

“Did you ever have plans to talk to us again?”

“I don’t know. I still have nightmares, I still think about it everyday. I’ve thought about you guys everyday for the past three years.”

“Well I know it’s under bad circumstances, but I am glad to hear your voice. I was so glad to see you, to know that you were alive. And to top it off, I’m glad you’re coming home. Well, _home,_ home.”

“Me too. I’ll see you soon?”

“I’ll be here. And I won’t tell anybody.”

“Well, I did get in touch with Valary again, so you can tell her if you want to.”

“I’ll leave that to you. Stay in touch?”

“I will. Can I start shipping some small stuff there when I start packing?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks so much Johnny.”

“Okay, stop thanking me. You know I’d do anything for you.”

I let out a small laugh. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright. Love you.”

“Love you too, bro.”

I hung up my phone and went to grab something to drink. With intentions on going back to sleep, I needed to take my pills to do so. Karlee was awake now, watching TV.

“We going out?” she asked.

“I don’t really feel like it. I was just talking to my brother. I’m…I’m going back.”

“I thought you would. It’s fine with us. Amy said her brother would be interested. Promise me this though, that you’ll still stay in touch? And we’ll even come visit you.”

“I will.” I smiled. “I can introduce you to the guys.”

“That’d be pretty awesome.” She smiled.

“I’m going back to bed now. I kinda had a bad dream, so I’m going to take my meds and pass out.”

“Alright, goodnight.”

I grabbed a drink and headed back to my room. After taking both pills, I changed into my pajamas and climbed into bed, curling myself in with my covers and pillows. The dosage of the sleep aid was enough to kick in almost instantly, sending me into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	6. Goodbyes

As I tied up loose ends in Chicago, I had been shipping things to Johnny that I could do without for the time being. Mostly clothes and other small things I could send in boxes. For my furniture, I had to rent a vehicle to which I could tow my car behind while I made my cross-country trip.

“I won’t lie,” Amy said, staring into my empty room. “I’m pretty sad right now.”

“Me too,” I said. “But we’ll all stay in touch.” I gave her a reassuring smile as I heard the apartment buzzer ring.

“Lisa!” Karlee shouted a moment later. “Someone for you. Said to meet him downstairs.”

“Who could that be?” I asked, walking out of my room. “Oh hey, one of you needs to come help me get this trailer, then lunch, because I’m starved.”

The three of us grabbed what we needed and headed out. I was caught by surprise, as well as Amy and Karlee, who stood next to me with their jaws dropped.

“Johnny? What are you doing here?” I asked as I ran to hug him.

“I figured you might need some help moving, so I came to help. Plus, I rented a truck so we can bring all your stuff. We can tow your car on the back of it.”

I was about to ask how he got my address, but then I realized that I mailed him some of my belongings. Before the moment became exceedingly awkward, I turned to my two friends.

“Well, Johnny, that’s Amy, and that’s Karlee, the two I’ve been staying with.” I paused to look at them, still standing there, dumbfounded. “Guys, I know you know who he is, do I really need to introduce him?”

Once the awkward ice was broken, we proceeded to finish moving the rest of my belongings and putting them in the trailer. I didn’t have much left besides a bedroom set which I planned to put into storage until I moved into my own apartment. Once everything was packed up, the four of us went to lunch which was surprisingly entertaining. Soon enough though, I knew I would have to say goodbye to two of the people that helped keep me sane through the past few years. Back at the complex, it indeed turned emotional. After countless minutes of tears and hugging, Johnny and I finally got on the road.

“So, was there a real reason you came?” I asked, turning to look at him as his eyes remained glued to the road.

“I figured this would be one of the chances that you and I could really talk. No distractions, not having the others around.”

“You thought maybe I’d tell you about what happened, right?”

“A little, but I’ve said before, I’m not going to force it out of you.”

“Like I said, in due time.”

“Can I at least get an answer as to why you don’t want to say it?”

“It’s embarrassing, and I just don’t want you guys to overreact.”

“What? Did he kiss you or something?”

I turned to look out the window. “Something like that.”

“He has told me that he likes you.”

“I thought I liked him too, until he was an asshole to me. Until he started making all of his stupid comments.”

“I feel like I have an idea of what happened, but I’m not going to stress you about it. Just tell me when you’re ready.”

I remained silent after what he said, but then he quickly changed the subject. We talked about what we had been up to in the past three years. The conversation brought light to the first part of our road trip. As it began to get late, we were just outside Lincoln, Nebraska and decided to stop for the night. I sat in the truck while Johnny was trying to get a motel room. He was exhausted, and I offered to take over driving, but he said no.

“They don’t have any double bed rooms, just king,” he said when he walked back. “We can go farther down the road and see if there’s another place.”

“That’s fine here. You look really tired.”

After grabbing a few necessities, we walked into the room. Johnny went to shower while I changed and laid down to watch TV. The reception was decent as I listened to the news drone on. Nothing interesting was on TV, but I left it on just in case Johnny wanted to watch it when he was cleaned up. I removed my glasses, placed them on the nightstand next to my phone before pulling the covers up to my chin and letting my mind go free.

_I gave in and laid there while Brian did what he had to do. There was no point in struggling against him anymore. He gripped my wrists tightly, pinning my arms above my head. I turned away, mentally fading away to a happy place. The happy place made everything end quicker. I felt the pain when it was over. My body felt weak. He backed off me, to which I responded by curling up into the smallest ball I could get into, sobbing silently._

_“Why couldn’t you just wait till you were sober? We could’ve talked about it.”_

_“You would’ve just blew me off. I know you don’t like me.”_

_“So you had to fucking do that!?” I shouted at him, still curled up. “Just get the fuck out of here.”_

_“Well, I enjoyed myself. I’ll be back for more, and it can be our little secret. I know you wouldn’t go to them anyways.”_

_“Get the fuck out of here!” I shouted again. “Leave me alone before I call Johnny.”_

_“He wouldn’t believe you anyways.”_

_I was pushed over the edge. Grabbing my comforter and covering myself, I turned and shot a glare at Brian. “I fucking hate you, get the fuck out of my room!” I shouted, nearly at the top of my lungs._

_He wore a sly grin as he headed out of my room. I locked the door, curled back up in bed, and began to sob again, talking to myself._

_“I hate him. I hate him. I fucking hate him.” I said repeatedly to myself. “I need to get out of here. I need to leave.”_  
  
“Lisa? Lisa, wake up,” someone said, shaking me out of my dream. My eyes flew open, looking at Johnny who was leaning over me with a very worried look on his face. “You were having a dream, tossing and turning and you punched me.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I should’ve taken my meds.”

“Meds?” He arched an eyebrow.

“I’ve been on prescription sleep aids and anxiety meds for the past three years. Shortly after I got to Chicago. Mostly because I have the bad dreams,” I explained sadly, remembering the dream I just had.

“I’m sorry. Come here.” He opened his arms for a hug, to which I gladly accepted. I rested my head against his chest while he comforted me. “We’ll all have a talk when you get settled. We’ll get to the bottom of everything.” I just nodded. Part of me wanted to tell him, but I was scared to. I calmed myself down enough to where I could lay back down. “Who do you hate?” he asked. “When I woke up, you were repeatedly saying that you hated someone.”

“Take a wild guess,” I said.

“Oh. I see. Well, everything will soon be settled. Get some rest, we have a long day tomorrow.”

I curled back up under the covers, once again letting my mind slowly go free so I could fall asleep again. Moments later, a rare, deep, dreamless sleep fell upon me.


	7. Homecoming.

"Lisa, wake up." Johnny's voice rang into my ears, pulling me out of my slumber. "We're almost home."

I grunted in acknowledgment before stretching. I had fallen asleep in a very awkward position, and my neck was extremely stiff.

"How much further?" I asked.

"Just got into Huntington. Few more minutes."

"Cool. Are we gonna stop at a storage place? I have furniture I don't need that probably won't fit in your apartment."

"You can use my storage garage. The complex gives us one and mine is pretty much empty."

I nodded and proceeded to look out the window again. I heard Johnny fumbling with his phone before he started talking to someone, asking them to meet him at his place. He didn't say why, which meant whoever was showing up was in for a surprise. It wasn't much longer until Johnny maneuvered the truck through the complex towards the storage garages. He unhooked my car so I could go park it. Upon walking back, I saw Matt and Zack greeting him. I casually walked up to the three of them, hearing Matt asking Johnny where he had been and why he had a truck.

"Hey guys," I said quietly.

Both Matt and Zack looked at me in shock. They hadn't changed much in three years aside from the addition of many tattoos. Zack's hair was now black, and Matt was more built.

"Holy shit! We heard you were back, but didn't think you were actually coming back for good!" Zack said excitedly before picking me up in a tight embrace. "You are staying, right?"

I couldn't help but laugh as he spun around while holding me. "Yes I am. I missed my friends," I said as he placed me back on my feet.

"We're glad to have you back," Matt said as he took his turn to hug me. "Val told me you were thinking about it."

I shrugged. "Where is she anyways?"

"She's having a girl day with Michelle." He pretended to gag, making me laugh. "Want me to tell her you're back?"

"I'll call her later." I caught Zack staring at me, those beautiful eyes filled with disbelief. He made it obvious that he liked me since the band got together. "Zacky, snap out of it. Let's move my shit first, then we can reunite after."

I brought bags upstairs that I needed while the guys moved the few pieces of furniture into the garage. I had noticed the drum kit sitting inside the garage, which upset me slightly. I knew it was Jimmy's set, and I wanted to play it. Eventually I would. Johnny took Matt with him to go return the truck. Zack stayed with me while I unpacked and settled in. He set himself comfortably on my bed.

"So why'd you leave in the first place?" He asked.

"Just something. Something I don't wanna talk about," I replied. "At least right now. I told Johnny I'd tell him eventually."

"Something about Brian, right?"

"Yeah."

"We're all trying to get him straightened out about the whole situation. Hopefully we can. Obviously we've been tied up the past few weeks. We haven't thought about much since Ji-in the past few weeks." He cut himself from saying Jimmy's name. My guess being that it still hurt.

I stopped what I was doing and sat next to him on the bed. His head hung in sadness. "I know it hurts. It hurts me too," I said silently. He wouldn't look up at me, like he was hiding his face so I couldn't see him. He wouldn't even respond to me. Eventually I heard a sniffle. "Zacky?" His shoulders shook a bit, and I knew he was crying. In an attempt to comfort him, I just hugged him, letting loose a few of my own tears. "Don't keep it bottled up," I said.

"He was our brother and now he's gone." He cried into my shoulder.

"I know," I cried as well. "That's why I showed up in the first place. I needed to believe it for myself.”

We hugged for a while, just comforting each other. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes until we parted from the hug, wiping our faces.

"I'm really glad you're back though," he said with a sniffle.

"Aww, did Zacky boy miss me?" I asked jokingly as I went to resume unpacking.

"Dude, we all missed you. You didn’t miss us?"

"I missed you guys every damn second of every day I was gone. It's just a very long, very complicated story, but I am glad to be home."

"That's good. I say that we go out for drinks so we can hear what you've been up to."

"Well..." I hesitated. "I have no problem with it, except you all know how I am around Brian. I mean it's fine if everyone wants to get together, but if he starts anything, I'm leaving."

It was agreed upon, and Zack made a few calls while I finished up getting organized.

"Matt and Johnny will be back soon, and Brian's also on his way over," Zack said.

"Alright. I'm gonna take a shower."

I grabbed a handful of clothes, as well as my shower supplies and went to the bathroom. Normally I'd take at least a half an hour under burning hot water, but since everyone was on their way over, I took a quick one. I was in the bathroom fixing my hair when I heard voices from the main room.

"So she immediately comes back and we have to go drinking with her? Why?" Brian asked.

I sighed, listening to the conversation while I got ready.

"Because we would like to hear what she's been up to. Why do you have to be such a dick about it?" I heard Zack ask coldly.

"It's whatever. I'm just going to get booze with my friends."

"Whatever suits you. What the hell happened between you two anyways?"

"Nothing. I liked her, but I guess she got sick of me picking on her. She couldn't take a joke."

I was ready, so I awkwardly headed out to the living room. Brian looked at me for a second, the look I remembered from that one night. I sat on the couch next to Zack, trying to be casual.

"So what's up Brian?" I asked.

"Nothing. Still surprised you went and saw Johnny."

"Yeah, I did."

Zack looked confused, but didn't ask any questions. We tried to keep up a short conversation until Matt and Johnny came back. My brother took a fast shower, and then we headed to everyone's favorite place, Johnny's Bar. While sitting at a table, everyone took a turn buying a round of drinks while we all talked about the past three years. For a while, Brian hadn't started anything, and the five of us were actually having a civilized conversation. Once everyone was drunk, we started playing pool. I watched the guys playing a partners game, and then my brother and Matt were playing. Zack went to the bathroom, and I was at the table alone for a moment before Brian came up.

"I'm actually surprised you haven't told anyone what happened," he said.

I shot a glare at him. "Why are you even bringing it up?" I asked.

"We should head back to my place." The look was in his eyes that I'll never forget. "I said I'd come back for more eventually."

"No," I said bluntly. "If you and I can start over and actually be friends, then I'll think about it. Until then, just don't talk to me, because I know everything you say will be a smartass remark."

"Or for fuck's sake. Why can't anything be easy with you?"

I gave him a 'what the fuck' look. "Are you fucking serious?" I asked as I stood up. "I asked a simple request. Don't be a fucking asshole." I began to walk away.

I was stumbling a bit, but made it outside into the cool winter air. Brian was at my heels, and grabbed my arm. "Just wait," he said.

I turned. "Get the fuck off of me," I growled. "I honestly don't care how big and muscular you are, you do not fucking scare me."

"Then come with me to my place."

"No. How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?"

"Until you start giving me what I want."

I rolled my eyes. "No, because you're being a dick about it."

He wasn't listening, and was trying to get me to walk with him. I was trying to pull away from him, but his fingers were digging into my arm as he held on. As I almost gave in once again, someone shouted from the entrance to the bar.


	8. Girl Talk

“Brian, what the fuck are you doing?” Someone shouted.

Both of us turned and saw Zack coming towards us. Brian immediately let go of my arm, but those green eyes still saw.

“We were talking,” Brian said.

“Bullshit. She asked you to leave her alone, so leave her alone.” He stood in front of me protectively.

“Whatever. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow.” Brian stormed off.

Zack turned to me as I rubbed my arm. “What was he trying to do?”

“Trying to get me to go to his place with him.”

“You know, we can’t really talk to him until we know the truth.”

I shook my head and headed back for the door. “It’s nothing.”

Zack sighed behind me. “Okay then. You wanna go in or go back home?” I hesitated from going back inside. With another sigh, I sat on a curb. Zack sat next to me. “You know you can trust us.”

“I know. It’s just hard to think about. I repressed the memory after I ran away. Well I tried to repress it. I’d have nightmares every night, I’d have anxiety attacks during the day. I’ve been on fucking prescriptions after only being in Chicago for a month.”

“As someone who cares a lot about you, I'm about to start demanding the truth. I feel like that's more for Johnny to do though. The idea of what happened is starting to float around though.”

“I’m sure you guys do have the right idea. I just…I need a walk alone.”

“You sure? I don't want to leave you alone.”

“Yeah. Go back and have fun with the guys. I need some time to think. I'm probably going to call Val.”

“Alright.” He gave me a side hug. “I’m here if you need anything.”

I nodded as he headed back inside. I pulled out my phone, scrolled to the number I needed and dialed.

“Hey you,” Valary answered.

“Hey, Val. What’s up?”

“Nothing. Been wondering when you were going to call.”

“I am now. Where you at?”

“Home. Why?” She sounded confused.

“I’m at Johnny’s Bar. Can I come over?”

“Of course you can!” she said excitedly. “Do you need a ride?”

“I’ve been drinking, so if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

We hung up, and I sat down waiting. It seemed like it took forever, but I saw someone pull up. Valary smiled as she ran up and hugged me before we got into her car. It was a silent ride to her house, and when we walked in, she went to make some coffee as I sat at the table.

“So how are you?” she asked.

“Been better.”

“Yeah? I think all of us have been.”

“Yeah, agreed. I wanted to talk to you.”

“What about?”

“Brian. I probably should be talking to Johnny first about it, but I feel more comfortable telling you. Woman to woman.”

She set two cups of coffee on the table before sitting across from me. “What is it?”

I sighed, taking a drink from the cup. “The reason I left. I couldn’t face him or anybody anymore. A few times he would come into my room drunk, telling me about how he liked me when I would pretend to be asleep. It went too far one night. It was the night I left. I tried to get him to agree to talk when he was sober, but he wouldn’t listen…” I trailed off, my voice shaking.

She already had a feeling though. “Did he?”

Ashamed, I looked down into my coffee. “Valary, he raped me.”

She gasped lightly. “I had a feeling. Honey, you need to tell the guys about it so they can all talk to him and get this settled.”

I was crying by now. “I can’t. It's so embarrassing to talk about. Not to mention I don't want to cause a rift in their friendship. That's not what they need right now after Jimmy.”

“I get it, but I still think you need to get it out in the open. The guys can get to the bottom of it. They can talk to Brian, and they can try to get everything settled. I'm sure Brian regrets what he did.”

“Not really. He's still kind of an ass to me. That’s not even the whole story either, but that part doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Wait a second, what’s the other part? Did you end up pregnant?”

I nodded slowly. “I had a miscarriage before I even knew. I was put on medication for anxiety and nightmares, and they think that's why I lost the baby.”

She was shocked, and also angry. “If I called the guys to come over here, would you tell them?”

“No.”

“Lisa, you need to tell them.” She stood up and grabbed her phone, quickly calling someone. “Baby, can you come home? And at least bring Johnny with too. Yeah she’s here, we need to talk.”

I sighed while listening to her. Regret fell upon me and I wished I hadn’t told her, but I did feel better. I rested my head on the table, still ashamed. Silence passed the time until the guys showed up.

“What’s going on?” Matt whispered to Valary.

I sniffled as someone sat next to me, placing a comforting hand on my back. “Lis?” Johnny’s voice asked.

“Lisa, tell them,” Val ordered.

I bounced my head against the table with a sigh. “Fine.” I looked up, seeing Matt and Zack looking at me. Johnny sat next to me with his hand still on my back. “It’s about Brian. The night I left, he came over drunk, and as I tried getting him to leave my room, he wouldn’t.”

“That mother fucker,” Matt said under his breath. “Did he fucking…mother fucker.” He was ranting now.

Zack was trying to calm him down while I turned and cried on Johnny’s shoulder. Valary urged me to tell them the rest of it.

“Wait, what? There’s more to the fact that he fucked you after you said no?” Johnny asked, not wanting to say the word.

“That part isn’t important. When I started on my meds, I had a miscarriage,” I said, getting a gasp from the three guys. Ashamed, I buried my face in Johnny’s chest, crying.

“We’ll talk to him and set this straight,” Johnny said in my ear.

“Just don’t be mad at him. This is the last thing I needed to dump on you all right now.”

“Don’t be mad? He fucking raped you!” Matt shouted.

“Yeah, but he’s also your best fucking friend!” I shouted back.

Valary took her husband by the arm and led him out of the kitchen to calm him down. Zack sat on the other side of me. “We’ll talk to him and we’ll get this whole situation better.”

“Do whatever,” I said. “I just wanna go home right now.”

“Zacky, take her home please?” Johnny asked with a tone. A tone I knew all too well. I almost felt sorry for Brian. Almost.


End file.
